Marriage Matters

Showing interest. Successful couples showed active interest in their partners, which was expressed both verbally and non-verbally. Partners knew that they were getting quality attention.

Showing affection. There was plenty of touching, hand holding, foot twining; couples offered each other reminders of happy or special times, and often expressed solidarity, affirming that they were a partnership or a team who tackle problems together and help each other. Most especially, they often told their partner that they loved them, or showed it by small acts of consideration. Affection is a stress buster.

Showing thoughtfulness has a remarkable power to boost positivity. It included buying small, meaningful gifts, or taking actions that show a partner that his or her spouse has been thinking about them, such as a phone call at work. Taking time to think about your partner's day and what he or she is likely to be experiencing is the foundation of thoughtfulness.

Showing appreciation: its physical effect is the exact opposite of the emotional "fight or flight" flooding. We could say that appreciation floods your marriage with friendship, love and safety. It includes consciously thinking about positive aspects of your partner, dwelling on happy memories, and entertaining fond thoughts of your partner - especially when you are being tempted to float down the stream of anger and negativity, or when an argument is starting. Finding something to appreciate at that moment raises up a standard for the armies of love to follow, and they will overcome. Agreeing with your partner's ideas and being supportive of his or her attempts to resolve problems, to be creative or to achieve a goal is also part of appreciation, as is the passing of sincere compliments and taking opportunities to express pride and joy in your partner and your marriage.

Showing Concern. This comes in when your partner is feeling down, bothered, under pressure. It means offering to talk it over; finding a way - preferred by them - to soothe ruffled feelings, and of course apologizing if you're part of the upset. Even if you aren't prepared to take back what you said (if it was a fair, reasonable and respectful complaint), you can still show concern and regret for the hurt feelings, offering comfort and reassurance.

Showing Emotional Understanding. Human beings naturally show understanding or empathy by mirroring facial expressions, tone of voice and reflecting words. This is more difficult if the emotion your partner is expressing is something you yourself find threatening or uncomfortable. When rushing to head off an emotion, you cannot be empathic. Helping emotions find words or appropriate actions takes the steam out of them and leads to better coping all round.

Showing Acceptance. We won't always agree with what our partner says, or like it either. But it is still possible to accept that their statements make sense and are important for them. This is part of a general ability to tolerate difference, and why is that so very hard? Are we experiencing a hangover from playground days when all friends had to think, act and talk just the same? Marriage is no place for childishness. Powerful ways to show acceptance include active listening, responses like "I can see what you're saying" (with no "but" attached to that sentence), and giving your partner a respectfully -voiced summary of what they have just said to confirm that you have heard them correctly - before you go on to disagree vehemently.

Sharing laughter and fun. They are the medicines that ease tension and cement your alliance, the air in your balloon. Playful teasing, witty or silly comments, shared jokes, winks or glances, or just having lots of fun together is as oil and water are to a car - you're much less likely to break down or boil over. However, there's an important caution: humour is very open to abuse. Remember, the response you get tells you what you really said. It's futile to back away, hands upraised, protesting "But I was only joking" - if your partner is upset, then whatever you thought you were doing, a sincere apology is called for.

Sharing joy is also a major part of successful marriages. This includes sharing positive feelings and personal successes with your partner, as well as taking time to remember and celebrate important occasions. Celebration, though, should not be confined to one or two occasions a year - there should be many occasions to celebrate, big and small, solemn and silly.